Posted by Susan (188.8.131.52) on August 27, 2000 at 04:08:53:
I was wondering if I really wanted to share this with anyone but as I am getting ready to get off this line, I decided I wanted to. You are all probably very tired of hearing about a death of a son to the mother, Grandaughter's birthday without her father and now a birthday without the son. I have bared my heart on this webb not because I really needed to but I thought perhaps something I would write would benefit someone out there as we don't talk about death very openly in todays world but I will share this last thing and then I won't say anything else about it.
Processing this has not been easy but the worst is behind me, I hope but my son's pending birthday brought up the tears and the missing of him greatly.
It is the first year there was no son to buy a card for, no birthday cake to buy and no presents to present and I sat here wondering what could I give my son who I really don't have the vaguest idea where he is so what do I do as his mother.
The 24th was the Celebration of the Darkini's which simply means calling on all the mothers for their blessings, one of the Lamas had called and really felt I should be there and in truth, it was last place I wanted to be yet I did go and he handed me the practice book and I started reading it and realized that I was in no shape to be around people and so I just left which I am sure hurt his feelings but I had read enough and came home instead.
I lit my incense and candles and sat with the door opened to see the trees out the door and the shrine of my son in front of me and tho I wasn't at the ceremony I could feel the presence of my mothers decending and just sat in silence. I had thought I wanted the Lamas to do prAyers for him but then the thought, "where is he really at this time " and so instead I surrended into my mothers and let that comfort me. His birthday was at 12:17 AM and around 10, my Sanga Brother who had been at the ceremony called and came over, and since he was the one that called me in Dharmsala and so on that he came over just to bring some human comfort and to let me a talk a bit and then he asked "Did I want Chud done and I said no I was fine. He left and I watched the clock and I remember standing up and looking in all directions, asking my mothers to care for him wherever he was. So in communmion with them, the night rapidly passed and memories of him flooded me and tho I miss him, it was the ending thought that I had been so forunate to have had him as a son. Yesterday which was his birthday all day long, I just sat in silence and let the memories fly thrugh and interesting but I found the birthday card I had given him last year and the
Christmas cards we both had given each other and so with that, we had done well as mother and son. I don't know if there will be another life that our lives will cross again as certainly this one had been from many lives past but so glad I had him in this one. My pride of him as a human being, his commpassion for others and a heart full of love and knowledge that equaled mine.
The sadness for his pain, both physical and mental but the gratefulness I had him with me for his past months he was alive. To have had the opportunity to care and nuture him in his illness, for the places we shared together and especially for the spiritual gifts before he left from my own Lama. For his thanking me of being his best friend and for always being there regardless and for his love for me.
I remember walking out of here on my way to Nepal thinking I shouldn't go but putting him into the hands of my mothers and fathers and teachers and how it all came down and I didn't have to do anything. So I am grateful and tho he is missed, there is the gratefulness that he is not in pain and no more suffering but he left as honorable man. What more can a mother ask for.
I want to conclude with this for the profound kindness that I found on this net from total strangers and especially a thank you to a dear Lady name Grace who stayed close to my side to comfort me. To those that have written kind words, they will always be remembered.
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